Why I haven’t made many posts about AR/AO on this Blog

When I set up this blog, my intention was for it to be a place for me to share thoughts, concerns, resources, ideas etc with as many youth as possible, without needing to spend a lot of time planning and worrying about format, etc. However, I have not really used it in that way. I’ve been struggling with several things:

I’ve been torn back and forth about whether I should use it to talk about whatever issue is on my mind because that’s where the passion and energy lies in that moment, and seeking a balance of issues and emphasis.

I’ve also felt like I know a lot more about some issues than other issues (clearly this is true, it’s true of all of us) and that I should stick to what I know so I don’t make a fool of myself/make a mistake that might hurt someone. Additionally, some issues that I know something about (like AR/AO), but don’t feel like an expert on, and yet feel should be done “right” I have avoided - again, not wanting to mess up in a big way.

I really want to be an effective support person/advocate for all uu youth who are interested in social justice work, and I wanted to make sure that any AR resources I give out are equally useful for youth of colour as they are for white youth. This is a commitment I really want to make, and live up to, but I’m worried I’ll mess it up…so I find I wont’ give a resource at all if I think it will only be useful to white youth, but I don’t feel that I know yet where to look for good resources for youth of colour.

And, even when I do come across a great resource, I wonder if I should go and find several others and present it as a package of resources, instead of just talking about something I think is cool and great.

My life has also been extremely busy, and it seems like when I have an AR/AO issue in mind I’d like to write about, I don’t have the time - I know that this is not an acceptable or even reasonable thing to blame these shortcomings on, and probably has more to do with what I make time for and what I don’t, which is probably a manifestation of internalized racism.
So basically, I think I’ve messed up considerably. Yes, balance is important, but so is being enthusiastic about what I’m writing about, and being authentic and honest is more important that trying to get it perfect, I think.

So I’m going to try to return to the original purpose of this blog, try to squash my internalized racial supremacy tendency of perfectionism, and make time for all the issues I feel are important. I’m going to try not to freak out if the blog isn’t perfectly balanced all the time, and try to trust that there are naturally waves – times when one issue is on my mind more than others, and so I write about it disproportionately – and each issue will hopefully have it’s own wave or two, and over time this blog will achieve that balance on it’s own (as long as I do make time for everything in time). Weird… some sort of let-it-be mixed with intentionality… trying not to force it, but trying not to forget about it… well, we’ll see how it works.

I think I’ll also allow myself to be short posts that are half-formed ideas, instead of feeling that I need to write an essay for every entry. Hopefully that will help with the making time for everything objective…hopefully.

I really invite your comments/suggestions. I’m struggling through this, and trying to be as open and transparent about my struggle as I can. After all: “struggling together’s what solidarity’s about” –Ethan Miller and Kate Boverman, White Lies

Thanks for listening to my struggle
~Chris